Having a hard time believing he's gone...

I'm actually writing this blog more for myself than anything else. Hell, I'm not even sure if anyone else will read it or even want to read it... It's been 11 days since my father died. I keep saying passed away but I'm hoping if I put it bluntly I will start realizing that he is actually dead and is not coming back. In my mind it seems that he has just gone a way for a while and it can't realize that he is dead and not coming back. I've always been good at pretending things are happening and getting through them. There is no doubt he is not coming back, but emotionally I'm not ready to realize this. I'm sure when the time comes it is going to hit me like a brick and I am going to crash and burn. The entire time that dad was sick we all thought he was going to get better, he was going to beat the cancer which obviously he did not. I think my mom and brother have had an easier time accepting dads death while my sister and I are still in the denial stages of the process. Dad was my world as well as my sisters world. We both love our mom very much but we just had a bond to dad. Val and I have always been a little crazy, liked to party and have a great time. Dad had the same qualities. Mom likes having a good time but tends to without alcohol and 150 people around.

On top of being my father and the best dad ever, he touched MANY people. I remember in high school I was the kid with the "cool" dad, well me and Dave. There were always kids at my parents house growing up and friends that would drop in to "crash" a party even if it was expected they were going to show up. Dad always accepted them with open arms and lots of good food prepared, usually a pig on the spit or deep fried turkey during party time.

Dad's death was not a surprise, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor March 9th, 2009 and was told he had 1-2 years left to live in most circumstances. Dad didn't let this phase him from the day he was diagnosed he didn't cry, he didn't even lose his smile. He was determined to beat it and wouldn't let it bring us down as a family. I remember the 1st night we found out that the tumor was malignant and such an aggressive growing cancer I stayed up all night reading as much as possible about the cancer and dad got a good nights sleep. Even up to the end when in November he was in so much pain he could hardly stand or walk when asked how he was doing he said the pain isn't too bad and made a joke. Even on the nights when I got a call at 2 or 4 in the morning because dad was restless and was patrolling the house and had fallen, whenever I came over and helped him up off the floor he was sure to make a joke to ease my concerns. That's how our family is, at least me, dad and my sister.

Dad's calling hours were amazing, it was estimated close to 800 people went through the line, actual counts show 600+. That is an amazing amount of people in 4 hours. There were people waiting outside in freezing weather to pay respect to my dad and tell a story how he touched them in some way. Then at the end of the night we did something as a family that most people would find weird but my dad would've loved, everyone (including the funeral director) left in the funeral home opened a beer, made a toast to dad and drank the beer. The funeral director said he had never witnessed anything like that, but he also never had 600+ people come through a calling hours line. His funeral service was great, a couple people stood up and told stories but it didn't occur to me that dad was gone...

So that leaves me to where I am today, I realized the other day that I didn't realize he was never coming back and was in a bit of a numb emotional status. I know he's dead, I know he isn't coming back but I am not ready to accept this even though I know as an adult I need to.

That's it for now.